So, this blog has kind of gone off books for a bit recently and that’s because I’m in a bit of a reading slump due to, well, depression. It’s something I want to briefly talk about because depression presents itself in different ways depending on the person. It would be nice to hear other peoples’ experiences to see the variation and I want to add to the collection.
My depression doesn’t really hit me for a while. Actually, I barely notice it at all, it’s only when I look back on it where I can see it at all. Little things, like “I’ll just skip brushing my teeth, I’ll do it tomorrow” or “I know this is my third day without showering, but it’ll be okay”. They’re only little things and not always a sign of depression. Being autistic, they can just be signs of autistic burnout/low energy. Maybe I’m just tired. I can go to bed and wake up fine, or it’ll take a few days and I’ll bounce back and be alright.
This, though? It was ongoing and they started to get more and more frequent. I stayed longer in bed. I stopped doing things I enjoyed doing, not just because I didn’t get much enjoyment from it anymore but because I was just exhausted. I stopped trying to socialize, online and offline. It’s almost like a complete shutdown.
That’s because it is.
My depression stems from autistic burnouts. Sometimes, they can be minor. Like I said, sometimes it just takes a few days and I’m okay. Sometimes I just not only used up my battery power, but I used up the backup battery power, and it results in this. When I team it up with personal problems that I am dealing with, it turns into ongoing sadness. A slump I can’t get out of that I call mild depression.
I didn’t know it even was depression until I spoke about it to someone on the mental health team. She said these symptoms, teamed up with others like getting irritated easily, were all classic signs of depression. The reason why I didn’t think it applied to me was because nobody ever tells you that you don’t have to be suicidal, want your life to end in any way, to be depressed. You can want to live and want to get out of this slump, but still be depressed.
It probably started a month or two before I left college (I left in May) and I have been unable to get out of it since as it just does a continuous decline. I joined Camp NaNoWriMo this month, and although I reached my original word count goal I did not reach my second goal. I also had a change of heart and wanted to change the plot, so most of it is now deleted and there are some character changes. I’m trying not to be too upset about it, and instead see it as a positive thing.
My autistic friends are wonderful in every way and help me the best that they can, but the only person who can really get out of this is me. It’s a waiting game.
I might go more in depth in the future, but…I’m very tired. I wanted to get a new post out there, one that was helpful and supportive. The last post I wrote has been viewed by over 400 people which is just so wild so, if you were one of them, thank you so much. I really wanted this post to get to people, it’s important to me and many other autistic people that the message gets out there.
Until next time,