Misconceptions About my Identities – Gay, Transgender, Demisexual

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Hello! Welcome to my second post of Pride Month. As I said in my last post, I was originally going to reccomend books on each identity in the queer community but I was insecure about my choices, so I’m doing this instead which is a bit more personal anyway! I got this idea from this post.

Identity One: Demisexual

demisexual

Demisexuality is only being able to form a sexual attraction to someone if you have a strong emotional connection to them. This is most common in romantic relationships, but it can be formed within any relationship.

A common misconception I get is “isn’t that just like every relationship?” and a short answer would be that no, it isn’t. Although if you really identify with the demisexual label, the chances are you may be demisexual yourself but that’s up to you to decide on whether or not you want to be labelled like that.

Another common misconception is that we will feel sexual attraction towards our partner. There is no gurantee of this happening. Although in my case, it did, because I’ve never had such a strong emotional connection before, this isn’t the case for every demisexual.

We can still have sex with no sexual attraction. This is common among asexuals, as well. Some of us do it just because everyone else is, or because we want to even when there is no attraction is there. Some of us don’t want to have sex which can include trauma or religious reasons.

Because demisexual can feel like we’re “in the middle” (much like I did when I identified as bisexual), we get a lot of flack from both asexual people and sexual people. This is usually for things like “not picking a side” or because it “doesn’t really count” as a sexuality, because sometimes we can have sexual relationships with sexual attraction – much like how bisexuals get flack for being bisexual and dating someone of an opposite gender

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Identity Two: Gay

I think I can just jump right in with this one and say that, whenever I’ve come out as gay to someone, they always assume that means I’m attracted to everyone. I get confused when people think this, because straight people aren’t attracted to everything that breathes so why would we?

We don’t only come out once – this is something we have to do constantly throughout our life, thanks to the assumptions people make about us in thinking we are straight without asking us and especially if we don’t show stereotypical “gay” behaviours.

Another one is that, in a relationship, one of us is “male” and the other one is “female”. In my relationship with Kai, we both play the role of being non-binary because we’re both non-binary transgender. There is no male one and no female one. I think to think otherwise would be homophobic because it lies on the assumption that straight is the default.

Also, just because same sex marriage has been legalized in some countries does not mean that homophobia doesn’t exist. We cope with it nearly everyday, in some places more severe than others.

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Identity Three: Transgender/Non-Binary

This one, I tend not to talk about much because I’m so afraid my family and real life friends won’t accept me or will say hurtful/harmful things about my identity. They’re not as into reading as I am, though, so here’s hoping they never got this far if they have found my blog – if they did, hello, and lets never mention this again

There’s a misconception that we all want surgery and, personally, I do not. I’m not happy with my apperance so plastic surgery I’d accept, but not surgery relating to my gender. I don’t want to be the “opposite gender”, but I’m not a woman, I am non-binary. I don’t want to be andronynous (or however you spell that…) either, I just want to be me and I want to do that without having to prove anything.

There’s also this misconception that if a trans person is AFAB but is into women, they’ll make themselves a transgender male/masculine non-binary as a result of that which is wrong. You’re attracted to whoever you’re attracted to, and your sexuality and gender are not intertwined with one another. They are seperate identities.

There’s a lot of assumptions that you have to be either male or female to be transgender, and a lot of people make fun of how there are genders inbetween just like me. Sometimes, I feel like I’d be slightly more accepted if I was a binary trans gender rather than a non-binary one (although I’ll never really know, because I’m not a binary trans gender)

There’s a myth that we are just snowflakes or we are wanting to follow a trend or do what everyone around us is doing. This is untrue, this is really who we are and it’s not because we are “social justice warriors” or because it’s what our close friends are doing.

There’s also that misconception that our pronouns are ridiculous. In many languages, they include pronouns other than feminine and masculine pronouns. After a little learning and incorperating it into your everyday language, it’ll become easier.

 

There’s so much more than I could add to this, but I feel like it’s already so long as it is so I’ll just leave it here for now. I may make more specific and detailed posts in the future about misconceptions of my identities but, for now, this is what I have! What are some of the misconceptions you get from your identities?

A.W

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